TIKI BAR LACKING?
One of my favorite freak shops in Seattle is Ye Olde Curiosity Shope. Above and surrounding aisles of the worst tourist shlock EVER, are strange "artifacts"- often precariously hung and coated in dust. Two headed pig? They got it. Shrunken torso? They got it. Elephant Seal penis bone? They got it. (I think that's what that is....). Anyway- they also sell CREEPY shrunken heads, not the plastic kind, but ones made of ahem, rabbit skin, by Amazonian natives who are trying to keep up with tourist demand.They aren't just lying around though. You gotta go to the back counter and ask to see "the good stuff..."

MAYONNAISE SANDWICHES AND TANG
From the ages of 8-12, I did a little time in Macon, Georgia. Whenever I meet other people from Georgia or the south in general, I tell them I lived there and I always get a sympathetic looks and a murmered "Oh, honey, ahm sorry!" Now granted, my mom getting us out of Georgia before we turned 14 and were obliged to marry Cletus in the trailerpark and start churning out the youngins was one of the best moves she made, but I can't believe Macon was all THAT bad. The best part was that The Dukes of Hazzard was a big hit so you know everyone in Macon watched it religiously. My brother had a General Lee toy car so my sister and I would tart up our Barbies and cram them in the car to go for a ride.

I SUFFER...
Man- I am sick as hell today. I don't know if it's allergies or what, but it's awful. I wish it were possible to remove your head sometimes, give it a good rinsing out, and reattach it.

AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUTURISTIC FOOD TABLETS BY NOW?
What's a person to do? You shouldn't eat meat because of all the hormones, chemicals, mad cow disease, foot and mouth, e.coli, and unsanitary slaughterhouses, now you have to watch out for the vegetables!
Perhaps this is our solution, to a great many problems....

THOSE SUMBITCHES
So I'm sittin' around watching tv the other night, when one of those retarded pringles commercials comes on, the one where the stupid mustache guy on the chip can sings some moronic song to a nightclub full of "hipsters". Well- those BASTARDS had the audacity to use "I Put A Spell On You" by my main man, Screamin' Jay Hawkins. I nearly died with horror and disgust. And he's dead! So he's not even getting any coin from it! A HEX on money grubbing underground pop culture stealing wanna be dumbasses.

LIKE A VELOCIRAPTOR IN A ROOM FULL OF WIENER DOGS...
I'm a big fan of disturbing belief systems, if they are funny enough. Witness The First Church of Shatnerology, or perhaps for the younger kids, DBA....

PREHISTORIC THUMB SIZED MONKEYS:
It's really all comes down to monkeys, doesn't it? Regular monkeys, flying monkeys, robot monkeys, space monkeys, and best of all, prehistoric thumb sized monkeys. Perfect for light snacking.