10). THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH has just announced a ban on Homosexuals. In an official announcement last Tuesday a church spokesman said, "Hey, we hardly have enough hot, young altarboys for our own priests let alone a bunch of gay guys we don't even know . . ."
9). BILL CLINTON IS FACING a new scandal these days--involving, in effect, allegedly renting out the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House to campaign contributers. It's been averaged out that a one-night stay in the Lincoln Bedroom costs 25 thousand dollars . . . and for an extra 20 bucks Bill said he would throw in Hillary.
8). NEWT GINGRICH HAS BEEN laying low since the last time he embarassed himself. You remember this--when he had just been fined for ethics violation for lying recently he got all cocky again, and said to reporters at his last press conference, "You know, I may be a liar, but at least I'm not a liberal democrat stupidface."
7). NEWT HAS YET to pay the 300,000 fine levied against him by the Ethics Board, but he announced today a financial deal which may help him put some of the money up--Newt has signed a book deal to do an autobiography. The title of the book is going to be named after a last year's NYTimes bestseller actually--it's going to be called, "I AM A BIG FAT IDIOT."
6). TODAY'S ISSUE of USA TODAY reports that the cigarette company Lucky Strike has sponsored an online guide to music and other events in San Francisco, a move which may violate recent laws passed against tobacco companies advertising in "any medium of electronic communication." You can find this website at www.lungcancer.com.
5). THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY scored a victory today, however, when a federal judge dismissed a lawsuit in San Francisco against the tobacco companies. The tobacco industry, triumphant, vowed, "We are going to continue to fight this unholy attack on the American right to purchase tobacco, or our master's name is not Beezulbub."
4). YOU REMEMBER billionaire George Soros--he's the guy who bankrolled the fund that helped legalize marijuana in California and Arizona--well, since the US now is planning a massive anti-drug ad campaign aimed at teenagers, Soros has planned to counterattack with a pro-drug campaign. In fact the first ad is due out this week; it reads, "Be Young. Have Fun. Do Drugs."
3). ANOTHER COMPANY has just announced that it is entering the Home Drug Test Market. In fact, they claim that their test will be a lot cheaper than the other one that's already out. This one just comes with a 3X5 card which reads: "Does your child own any albums by the Grateful Dead?"
2). IN ENTERTAINMENT news, John Gotti's daughter, Victoria Gotti, has just published her first book. The ad campaign for it reads, "Buy this book. We won't ask twice."
1). AND DREW BARRYMORE appears naked in this month's issue of Playboy. But the funny thing is, the really weird thing is, late last night Steven Spielberg received a mysterious fax . . . it said, "I'm coming home." Signed, "E.T."
